Generally Speaking Fish

How I Survived This Semester Without Buying Any Textbooks

2008-12-26T15:02:00.005-07:00

I have been going to college on and off since the fall of 2002. While this can be discouraging at times, I feel like I have also learned some valuable things along the way. For example: In most cases, buying textbooks for college classes is completely unnecessary. With the internet and good old-fashioned libraries (heard of them?), you can usually find all the information you need to successfully get through your classes.

For the past fall and summer semesters combined, I took 12 hours (I have to spread it out due to the chronic pain). For those 4 courses, I saved somewhere between $256 and $341.20 according to the Colorado State University Bookstore's "used" and "new" prices. You may be thinking "well don't buy your textbooks from the university bookstore - everyone knows you can get them cheaper online!" But why buy them online when you don't need to spend any money at all?

Here are some resources I used the past six months:

Libraries - I almost always check here first, because nothing beats having an exact (but free) copy of what you need. Sometimes libraries only have an older edition available, but in my experience this is not too much of a problem. The only noticeable difference for me has been page numbers and chapter orders. If you have assigned reading and your syllabus only lists page numbers, you can often figure out from the book's website what chapter this will be in older version. Another slight downside is the time limit, but most libraries let you renew up to the point where you could have the book for nine weeks. And you can always check it out again after you've returned it. Be sure to check both university and local libraries. Also see if interlibrary loan is an option - Fort Collins is part of Prospector, which makes items from 22 libraries around the state (along with 1 in Wyoming) available.
Google Book Search - This is a great way to electronically view some or all of a textbook. One of my favorite features is that you can search for specific words and phrases. Results are instantly displayed with the searched words highlighted on each page.
The Textbook's Website - Most textbooks these days boast online features. In some cases, these sites can be more useful than the book itself, like when I took a biology course this past fall. The site provided online flashcards with all the terms and definitions I needed to study for my quizzes and exams, sorted by chapter and alphabetized.
Answers.com - This is fantastic site if you need more information on a topic, because it combines several resources. For instance, if you type in "endoplasmic reticulum," you get entries from a dictionary, sci-tech encyclopedia, dental dictionary, the Britannica Concise Encyclopedia, and Wikipedia.
Google - When all else fails, just Google it. Or sometimes starting with Google can be the fastest. Sometimes I've had questions on a study guide where topical searching just doesn't cut it, like "Who said 'sensing + selecting + perceiving = seeing' and what does it mean?” Most everyone knows that Google is going to be your best friend for stuff like this. During an English course in the summer, I had a reading assignment from the textbook which was a reprint of several articles found online. I typed the article titles in Google and survived yet another assignment without buying the textbook.

These strategies are not going to work for every class. Sometimes you have to cough up the money because there is no way to make it through the class without owning your own copy, like a math course where problems are assigned from the textbook every week. Or maybe it's a book you actually think you might use or read again, like the AP Stylebook.

But whether you think you will need the textbook or not, at least wait until the first day of class to see what the professor says. Last semester I had a professor list 2 books (over $80 at the campus bookstore) only to announce on the first day that the same information was available online for free. I once had a history professor who listed a book on his syllabus but explained it would not be necessary for the course, he just liked the book and thought we might too.

So wait awhile before you commit to buying hundreds of dollars worth of books you may only use for 4 months and then never touch again. There are plenty of alternative options out there that are free and usually more efficient.

Update

2008-06-26T00:36:00.010-06:00

Sometimes I get sick of only writing about my pain condition, but I guess it's about time for an update.

I recently started taking some classes for the summer. One is Basic News Writing with Front Range and it's online. The other one is Freshman Composition with Colorado State University.

It is really weird to be going to class again. It has been about 2 years since I have attempted school (the last time being Fall of 2006 when I was on heavy-duty painkillers). This time around, my body is free from narcotics (yay!!!) so it will be a whole different story. I have come to learn that having chronic pelvic pain and interstitial cystitis affects everything (my concentration, how long I can make it without having to use the bathroom, how long I can sit in a hard chair without being miserable, and my ability to be counted on for anything...), so this new venture is a bit scary for me. However, I am excited to be doing something with my time again and also very determined to finish my degree, despite all of the setbacks I've had!

I have also been playing my trombone in the Loveland Concert Band and mentoring a girl through Partners Mentoring Youth, so I am having fun and staying busy. When I'm not doing one of these activities or at class, you will most likely find me in my bed resting with my heating pad or doing protocol from the clinic.

Some words about the protocol: It's amazing. I don't know where I'd be without it. I still hurt and I still have symptoms, but the intensity has decreased and I now feel like I can help myself, which is worth so much more than I could ever describe. I have been doing a lot of relaxation sessions lately and also using the Theracane to relieve trigger points. My friend found a YouTube clip of Dr. Wise explaining the protocol if you'd like to see a bit about it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=GUt8uFNvudQ

I also didn't update on here as much as I would have liked to while I was quitting my painkillers. The one entry I did post during the withdrawal was about as good as I felt. After the first few days, my legs started to have the constant desire to kick and move and jiggle and basically flail about. It is quite a feeling because your body is so tired but you can't let yourself fall asleep.

On the whole, I am of course glad that I quit. It is great to not be dependent on the drugs anymore and to be dealing with the pain in alternative ways. If there is anyone out there who is interested in what it's like to quit Oxycodone or wants to hear more about the clinic, please feel free to contact me.

I know I say this every time I post an update, but thank you to all of you who pray for me, ask my parents about me, and send me cards. All of your support is such an encouragement!

Well, It's True

2008-06-15T22:40:00.002-06:00

Sometimes when I open a can of tuna, I think to myself, "Hmm, my cat food is ready."

"An Adventure Beyond the Ordinar-E"

2008-06-07T23:19:00.005-06:00

I think I'm in love. I know he's just a cartoon, but I am so excited about Wall-E. When I watch trailers of him, I smile the entire time and find myself laughing about every 10 seconds, for no other reason than he's so completely adorable it drives me crazy. I can't really decide which is cuter, his eyes or the funny noises he makes. Well, hats off to Disney and Pixar, because from what I've seen so far, I'm a huge fan.

Derek Dream

2008-06-06T15:27:00.003-06:00

So I had a dream the other morning about Derek Webb. I was in a grocery store with my brother Ryan (who then turned into someone who was sort of like Chris Washington) and he left. While I was waiting for him to come back, I suddenly decided that I should go to the Derek Webb concert that the grocery store was hosting in a back room.
When I got in there, Derek was playing "What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor" and he didn't have Derek's charmingly scratchy voice. He didn't even look like Derek! If it wasn't for the red curly hair, he might have looked like game show host J.D. Roth from Fun House.
After he finished singing his drunken sailor song, he did not start in on excellent Derek Webb music. Instead, he started promoting his new boxed set (there is not one of these in real life). He started announcing to everyone in the room how, not only did they need to buy one box set, but two, because you would get a special deal that way.
I was really starting to regret ever being a fan of Derek when I finally woke up from the nightmare!

day 1 (or are we on 2 now)?

2008-01-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

things aren't so bad yet.
i'm very jittery and my body seems upset with me like we aren't quite on the same page. draping my body over an exercise ball and bouncing my stomach on it feels good.

i have lots of layers of clothes on. chilly. kinda sweaty too. but i think i still need some more on.

been going on some walks to get the jittery-ness out. my dad was laughing because he couldn't keep up with me.

sleep is hard. the body doesn't want to stay in the same position for any amount of time. i am taking a drug to help with this and it seem to be helping.

i talked to jamie online today and i couldn't read what we were talking about. my eyes needed the font bigger so that i could see it properly.

i tried to read a book. it was quite the experience. some words are there and the others don't register in my mind. if i could get some sentences together, i couldn't remember what they were trying to say.

not too much nausea or extreme increase in pain.

tomorrow is supposed to be the worst but maybe it won't be as bad as some other experiences i've had with withdrawal in the past.

thanks for all of your facebook comments and support.

i will try to update again.

Cold Turkey

2008-01-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well I'm not in a very bloggy mood but I thought I'd type on here real quick while I still feel like it.

I saw a doctor today that specializes in helping people that are dependent on opiates. He gave me several options of how I could get off of my pain killers, and I decided to just go for it and take the super-fast track. Now is the time to do it. I've been quitting since August very gradually, and I'm really sick of dragging it out.

So I took my very last pain pill at 2:23pm today. I am not feeling anything yet. He gave me several new drugs to help with the withdrawal symptoms. He said you can't die from opiate withdrawal, but you will just wish that you could. I will feel like I have the flu, get nauseous, probably vomit, be agitated and restless, have chills and sweats, and experience an increase in my pain levels. My dad brought me home a sack from Walgreens of all the medications I can take to help combat those symptoms.

The doctor said day 3 will probably be the worst, but after a week or so I will feel better (not like a million bucks, but better).

So this is the new plan! I am scared out of my mind but it was completely my choice to do it and I really want to go through with it.

I would appreciate all your prayers so much. Any strength and courage that I have to conquer this I know will come from God and Him alone. If you have any fitting verses to share with me that I can be meditating on while I'm sick, I would love that too - thank you, friends!

Here's a link if you want to know a little bit more about opiate withdrawal:
MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Opiate withdrawal

Have to Walk the Rocks to See the Mountain View

2007-11-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

Many of you that read this have heard updates by now I think. I thought I would have time during the clinic to write about what was going on, but they kept us really busy.

The clinic was amazing. It is by far the best thing that's ever happened to me as far as my chronic pain goes. Every day we saw a physical therapist for about 30 minutes, and the rest of the time was spent in relaxation sessions and learning how to treat our own pain. Amazing how well it works, too. By the second day of the clinic, my muscle spasms that have been my constant torment (with numerous attempts in the past 4 years to stop them with all types of medications) stopped completely for 2 hours. They came back mildly after that; but since that day, I have learned how rid of them by simply allowing them to be there. It's a paradox, but I'm telling you as a previous skeptic, it works!

Since the clinic, the plan is to do the protocol that they teach you at home as much as possible, in hopes that in a year or two, the pain and symptoms will gradually subside altogether. It's not an easy way, but I've given drugs a chance for over a year only to feel worse. Giving this protocol a chance for at least one year has been a blessing so far, in that I've already experienced results with no side effects.

The protocol consists of:
-Stretching
-Skin rolling
-Trigger point therapy
-Relaxation sessions

At the clinic, I was probably in the worst shape of anyone there. They were calling me the "Trigger Point Queen" because there weren't too many places on my body that could be touched by the physical therapist without it causing all kinds of pain. One of the main reasons that they believed this to be true was because of the amount of medicines that I was on. I try not to regret taking all of these medications in the past, because at the time we felt like there was no other option. In that kind of pain you are desperate for any kind of relief, despite the nasty side effects that come along with heavy medications.

Anyway, I have been encouraged by the people at the clinic to decrease my drug usage, which is mainly what I am doing now along with the protocol. Since August, I have quit many medicines (including Ritalin, Valium and steroids), and I have to say it feels like one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. No matter how careful I am, withdrawal symptoms (sweats, chills, aching, feeling agitated, miserable, nauseous, and like I don't belong in my own skin) seem to plague me from the gradual decrease of Oxycodone, the painkiller I have been on. This one drug has been estimated to take a year for the body to be completely free from dependence.

So this is the new chapter in my life. As difficult as it is, I feel so blessed and full of joy because of a hope for better things to come, along with the experiences I've already had of reduced pain and symptoms.

Those readers who know me, please keep me in your prayers as you have been doing. I appreciate this probably more than anything else.

And those of you who randomly came upon this site, possibly looking for hope that you are not alone in your pain, I beg you to contact me and ask me more details about the clinic and book, "A Headache in the Pelvis". I could talk for hours on end about how Dr. David Wise and his team are more than worth the trip to California. You won't be sorry you gave it a shot, and the six days of the clinic will most likely be incomparable to the months you have invested in surgeries, medications, and other heroic efforts to reduce your symptoms.

One last note:
A few months ago, I was contacted by a wonderful woman who runs a site that is definitely worth your time if you are a woman struggling with chronic pelvic pain, interstitial cystitis, or many of the other conditions similar in nature. Please check out her website for great articles and a whole network of support: http://secretsuffering.com/

A Headache...in the Pelvis?!?

2007-08-23T08:30:00.000-06:00

My mom and I made it to California! For those of you who don't know yet, God has blessed my family in a huge way by allowing me the opportunity to go to a pelvic pain clinic. If you want to check it out, you can go here:

http://www.pelvicpainhelp.com.

A friend of mine went to this clinic a few years ago and he is really improving. Some of you may not know this, but men can have this problem too. He was miserable and tried everything to help relieve his pain - even going to China! He also had surgery. He told me that he regrets everything he tried except for this clinic - that is was hard work, but it was the only thing that has truly helped him.

The clinic is run by Dr. David Wise who personally struggled with pelvic pain for over 20 years. With no help of relief from any doctors he visited, he began to develop his own technique and decided to study how and why pelvic pain occurs.

His belief is that everyone holds tension in different places in their body - whether it's their head, neck, back, or clenching their teeth. He explained that some people deal with tension by tightening the muscles in their pelvic floor.

In the clinic, my mom and I will meet with a urologist and a physical therapist among other specialists and learn where my trigger points are and how to treat them. I will also learn relaxation techniques and how to think about my pain as helpful message from my body that it needs relief, instead of the enemy that I want to get rid of.

Well, I have recovered from the long trip here. Riding in cars is painful on my body because of the vibrations. My dad requested a wheelchair at the airport in advance which was a really good thing because I could barely walk by the time we got to Denver! My mom and I are going to go exploring today because the clinic doesn't start until tomorrow. I will try to keep you all updated.

I would appreciate your prayers as this is not an easy quick-fix treatment. My friend who has had it done told me that by the time the week was over, he felt like he had been hit and run over by a truck. And I believe him! So I'm anxious and scared, but also willing to work hard at this if it means in a couple of years I could notice a significant difference.

----------------------------------

For more information on this clinic, here is a quote from answers.com and another link. Really the best way to get info on the book is to read or scan some pages from the Pelvic Pain Help site.

"...a treatment called the Stanford Protocol, developed by Stanford University Professor of Urology Rodney Anderson and psychologist David Wise in 1996, has recently been published. This is a combination of medication (using tricyclic antidepressants and benzodiazepines), psychological therapy (paradoxical relaxation, an advancement and adaptation, specifically for pelvic pain, of a type of progressive relaxation technique developed by Edmund Jacobson during the early 20th century), and physical therapy (trigger point release therapy on pelvic floor and abdominal muscles, and also yoga-type exercises with the aim of relaxing pelvic floor and abdominal muscles). While these studies are encouraging, definitive proof of efficacy would require a randomized, sham controlled, blinded study, which is not as easy to do with physical therapy as with drug therapy."

(Dr. Wise told me there is about an 85% chance of success and that he thinks he can help me. He is very honest about his results. After asking me a set of detailed questions, however, he thinks that I have certain symptoms that would do well under his treatment. By God's grace he had one open spot left for the August clinic - otherwise I would have had to wait until November!)

A detailed description of what I will be doing at the clinic

Brutally Honest

2007-08-02T02:09:00.000-06:00

Sad about the way my life looks and how empty it seems.

Can I feel freedom truly in Christ - even through I'm burdened by my physical pain? God doesn't need me to serve Him, but in a selfish way, I need it. I need to feel a sense of purpose and share His love with others. How can I believe, but not do? But what can I do? What does this look like in my life if it doesn't look like visiting Georgia and Shirley and showing them how their Macs work, or picking up Shakindra and holding her and swinging her and singing with her? What does it look like if I can't let Becca sit on my lap and have her take down my hair and let her insist she knows just the perfect way to fix it and has so many important things on her heart to share? What does this look like even if I can't help my mom with meals and put away dishes and clean clothes and a least have the decency to pick up after myself? Oh, dear God, what does it look like? I struggled so much with wanting to have a purpose and I finally felt like I had one - and now it looks so different. I wanted it my way and in my control and to please you as it pleased me, but it's all turned upside now. Is reflecting your glory going to look twisted and upside down too? Is it going to look like me doing nothing, and just trusting you? Why does that have to be so hard for me Lord, why? I don't know what a 'meaningful life' looks like right now. I feel like I'm waiting. And everyone else is waiting for me to resume the old Lisa and do what I once did, be who I once was, as soon as I can just find the strength to overcome this. But I honestly don't feel like that is going to happen. Why wait like that? Why can't I feel some meaning and purpose in my life now? What does that look like for me? Oh, Lord please show me. Please.

I've got to change how I feel about this and I want to, but it's hard. I don't want it, and I don't know what to do with it. There's got to be a reason or a purpose for it, I want there to be. If it just happened, then I don' know if I can take it. If it happened and it will work for your good and show your love and mercy to others, then it's worth it, I know it is. But how? Why does that have to be hidden from me? How can I accept and move on when I'm so in the dark?

It's so easy for me to say I need to trust and that things are how they are and no tears are going to change that. But if I could just...if I could just have a glimpse of where this road was going. An idea of how I could be a part of your kingdom and your work now.

People say to serve you whatever way you want and call for at the time, but I am a selfish, selfish person, Lord. I want it to look my own way. I want to hug children and share in their joys and worlds of faith and imagination. I want to talk with the old and hear their amazing stories and let them share their wisdom with me. I know I have given to these people with a cheerful heart but was it all in vain? For the wrong motives? My own benefits? How would this look different? And especially, how does this look different when I can't give piggyback rides or crawl under and old woman's desk to hook up printer cable cords? How do I press on when my medicine makes me feel numby and slow and not at all really there, and the pain keeps me from thinking about anyone but myself - or maybe worse, how guilty I feel that my ailments cause other people worry or grief? There is so much to this burden Lord and I can hash and rehash it out but I never understand it. I want black and white answers but I know there are none.

But what is my life supposed to look like - specifically? How can I glorify you most by laying in bed all day? Is there any glory in that at all? And how, specifically, do I "accept" that I have this pain and move on? Can there just be a checklist and I could be done with it? And how, specifically, do I keep active when every time I get off the steroids, an inevitable virus seems to follow? How do I make any progress if all the progress I make is thrown away by the time my body recoils in pain I didn't know existed?

How can people seriously live with this kind of pain and move on? I know I'm not the only one. Nothing can be done - nothing. No trip to the emergency room, as "emergency" feeling as the pain might be can take it away and make it stay away.

It's so tempting to think that I couldn't possibly have a purpose, and that it would be so much easier on everyone if You could just take me Home now and I could live with you without a physical body that keeps me from feeling anything like myself. But for some reason it's not supposed to be like that and I guess I'm just really bummed that I don't get to know why. Or maybe even have a false illusion as to why. I might even take that at this point over feeling in so much darkness as to where this all is going!

And maybe it isn't going anywhere. Maybe it just really is how it is and this wasn't a part of your plan and it just happened. But what do I do with that? How can I accept that it just happened and know what I'm supposed to do next? How do I find meaning and purpose in a life that doesn't even feel like mine anymore?

I want a glimpse of understanding over anything, but I'm not sure that's what you would have me ask for. I want to ask for patience but I can't - I have this belief that you like to teach patience to me by having me practice it and I don't feel brave enough to ask for any trials. What else can I ask of You, Lord? You give, and you take away, and I want so many things from you that I never need or begin to deserve. But can I ask for trust? Can you please give me some? I try but I can't on my own. And can I please have some joy - some true joy and contentment at where this life of mine is going? As tiny and as fleeting as my life here is, I so feel like I could use that. I feel like I need it but maybe I don't. I know you provide me with the things I need and I'm sorry that I can't see most of these blessings. Please Lord, please open my eyes to the things you are graciously giving me so that I can be thankful and not kicking and screaming and demanding to know why like an impatient spoiled child.

Please take all that away from me and help me to realize how truly free I am in you, no matter how much my body imprisons me. It's a freedom I wouldn't trade for anything and you gave it to me. Help me to claim it Lord, to gain strength from it and to know that you are perfect and good. Please help me to know that, please.

Oh, Lord. Thank you for letting me come to you. Thank you for wanting to know everything on my heart even though you already know it. Thank you for dying so that I can be in your presence, and that you love allows for me to be upset and angry and for me to foolishly shake my fist in your face - and surprisingly your love doesn't change. Thank you for being who I need. Please help me to see that you are so much more than "enough" and more awesome and amazing than I will ever comprehend. Oh help me in the best way you know how. I don't know what it will look like but please help me and please remind me that You are here in my life and haven't abandoned me and please reassure me with your love and understanding of everything I've gone through and everything I will continue to go through.

It's such an amazingly strong pain, Lord - stretching beyond the boundaries of the physical realm. And you're the only one who truly knows that pain like I do and thank you for not leaving me. Thank you that you won't ever leave me. Please just let me be a child tonight and curl in your lap and please just embrace me and pat my head and tell me that you're here and you hear me.

Goodbye, Hair!

2007-03-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

I decided to get my hair all chopped off. The Elmiron is working pretty well to coat my bladder (this makes eating a lot easier - I don't have to stick to a strict diet and I don't get near as many sharp pelvic pains), but as it works better, the more the side effects seem to kick in. One of these is hair loss. Thankfully, I am not losing it in patches like some tend to do with this drug. It's just falling out in general all over. It's actually quite a mess! I think I lost about half of my hair, just being able to tell from the weight of my ponytail. No one else could really tell unless I showed them how much I would lose from a simple brush-through, or how much was left in the drain after a shower.

I cut it all off yesterday so that cleaning up lost hair will be easier now. It's definitely the shortest I've ever had it and will be kind of hard to get used to, but I think I'm going to like having less to deal with. I've noticed that with less weight, my head doesn't seem to get as tender and sore as it has been in the past, which is great news!

I'm still in Colorado at home with my family. It's much easier this way. I never realized how debilitating this IC stuff would be. I'm just trying to learn to accept it as a part of my life, deal with pain levels, go to physical therapy appointments, and distract myself from the pain by reading a bunch. I'm also working on some incompletes from last year that ACU's Steven Moore and JR Kessler were gracious enough to allow me to make-up. If you'd like to check out my progress in those classes, please feel free to read any of my responses to books, articles, or films that I may be studying for those classes. I have a blog for each of those:

American Literature after 1900

Electronic Media Principles

I hope everything is going well for everyone out there. You don't how much I appreciate all of the support and prayers I've received. This means everything to me and it also means a lot to me that everyone who can be out there and living their day to day lives not take it lightly. I don't know if this sounds stupid or not, but I really mean it. I think of all the things I wish I could be doing right now, with New Life Church and band and film editing and just the general blessing of living the ACU life. Please just love every minute of it. For me. Have fun with it and appreciate it and even smile if you're a little stressed and have a lot to do. It's kinda nice to be busy. I miss that. I really do. So please appreciate it for me, if you can.

Oh yeah, this thing...

2006-10-06T10:43:00.000-06:00

So I am very sorry to all the people who try to keep caught up and here it is almost 3 months since my last post. Don't worry, I have been reprimanded by plenty of people.

I somehow made it back to Abilene and am taking 2 classes. It hurts a lot sometimes, even though I'm on medications. It's just down to the point where I feel like I can do some things on some days. So Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I take 2 classes and that is it for now, and for some reason seems like I'm taking a full load or something.

So it's not that I haven't had anything to post, it's pretty much the opposite. I have had so many thoughts that I've wanted to put out there but I'm either struggling to keep up in my classes or exhausted from them or in pain, or some combination of any of those.

This week, pain, but I'll at least tell you a good story from yesterday. It got to the point to where I couldn't sit up very well on my own and slightly twisting my abdomen and back area was like a knife in my side. I ended up calling Dr. Brookoff (my hero forever), and he said I may have an infection and am in too much pain to notice it. So his first try is to put me back on steroids for awhile, but not as many or as strong as last time.

Anyway, last night, I started to feel at least a little better to where I could sit up a little bit and walk on my own without feeling too dangerous. When I came out of the bathroom, I felt I should share this story with my roommates, Julia and Morgan, and Morgan's boyfriend Donny, who have all be wonderful at taking care of me and babying me on my bad days, by the way.

So I went out into the family room and said, "So I had a misjudgment problem in the bathroom," everyone laughed nervously and then Julia immediately turned around and headed towards the room, as if she were going to clean something up.

"Hang on Jules!", I said. "Not like that. Let me finish my story...So I was walking over there and I misjudged the distance and just sort of kept on walking and hit my head on the wall!"

We all laughed at my clumsiness then Jules came back with me to my room. I was still laughing about her initial reaction, but got my words terribly mixed up and said, "I can't believe you were going to go in there right away and eat that....No! Clean! Clean!!!"

Oh dear. So that is my life most days. Clumsy physically and with my words and sometimes in too much pain to think, and sometimes the pain isn't so bad and I have some really great moments. Hopefully I can share some more stories with you later on if I continue to feel better.

Thanks for your prayers, readers. That means the most to me of anything at all.

I Heart Dr. Brookoff

2006-07-13T18:04:00.000-06:00

God is so good. And His timing is so amazing and perfect. My dad and I had the coolest thing happen yesterday. We were in Denver getting medical records from 2 places to take to a new doctor's office. After we gave them to the receptionist, I had to go to the bathroom (big surprise). While I was in there, my dad noticed a doctor talking to a patient in the waiting room. He was just finishing up and heading back when my dad caught him and introduced himself. He told him about me and that we had read a lot about him on the internet. (These are some PDFs, "IC and Pain Management" and "Practical Pain Management for IC Patients" if you're interested).

The man, Dr. Brookoff, started talking to my dad and asking him questions about me. He found out we were from Fort Collins and didn't have an appointment for another 2 weeks. When I came out of the bathroom, he talked to me about the pain I was experiencing and then said, "Well since you're from out-of-town and already here, why don't you come on back?"

My dad and I were so pumped! He let me try this electronic stimulator for about 15 minutes. He put 2 pads on my abdomen and 2 on my back. He told me how the muscles can tighten and causes spasms, which in turn causes pain. This machine can massage and relax those muscles and help to reduce the spasms. He let me take it home to try out for a couple of weeks until my appointment with him! How cool is that?!?

So I really think God is amazing. He plans out some really cool things and this totally made my day. Here's a quote from Dr. Brookoff about the stimulator:

"One of the really neat things that we've seen are the new external interferential stimulators. For patients with a very high pelvic muscle tone this can massage the pelvic floor electronically. These electronic units just use sticky pads on the front and back and require no invasive therapy. I'm really excited about this. We've cancelled surgeries and trigger point injections because of the success with these stimulators. For a lot of patients this is all that they need. We think it's duplicating some of the effects of the implanted stimulators without having to put patients through surgery. The trial just takes 15 minutes and, when it works, it really works. I had three new patients today that got significant relief with it."

I've had 2 doctors so far tell me that I won't be ready to go back in time for this fall semester. When I was talking to Dr. Brookoff, he said, "Well, let's not listen to them. I like to have a goal to work towards and I think that would be great if you were feeling better in time for school!" I know I can't absolutely count on that, but I really appreciated his encouragement and compassion for me. Thanks for everyone who has been praying on my behalf - I really does me a lot to me!

Help the Kelp

2006-07-10T14:04:00.000-06:00

I had a dream this morning that I went back to Abilene. The first thing I did was go to the grocery store to look for food I am allowed to eat. I went to the bakery to read the labels on the breads, and I either couldn't have them, or they didn't have labels with ingredients on them. Then I thought I would at least get some tuna if they had any of the brand I can have, but of course they didn't have any tuna at all!

After that, I woke up (in my dream) and realized it was time for chapel. I ran into my mom and her quilt friends (who all happened to be in Abilene for some reason) and told them where I was going. They told me it was 11:30 and I had missed it! Then I thought I would at least try to go to band, even though my pain was bad. Then I realized they would be marching outside! There was no way I could handle that!

Then I sat down and decided that 15 hours (or whatever I was signed up for) was too heavy a load. I began to plan to drop classes to where I would only be taking 1 or 2 for the semester.

---
I'm always bummed when I have dreams about IC and pain. My only true escape from the pain is usually sleep, so I don't like to be reminded!

Other than my cruddy dream-life, things have been going okay. My mom just brought me home 2 (count them - 2!) kinds of animal crackers that are IC-friendly. Mmm mmm mmm.

I ate 2 Skittles the other day (not IC-friendly of course) and they were pure bliss. Oh how I miss candy like that!

The best news of course is that I got in to see a pain management doctor who specializes in IC. Julia read up on him and found out that he just moved from Tennessee to Colorado this past January - right when I started to get sick! I know that God is taking care of me and I am so thankful to Him for this appointment. It is July 24th, so I would love for prayers that it goes well.

Who reads this blog anyways? I always run into people who say they read it and I think, "really???". So don't be shy, leave a comment if you want so I know who's out there. That way I won't accidentally say anything bad about you on here. Or maybe I will just feel more free to hassle you. We'll see.

FAQs with Lisa

2006-06-12T16:18:00.000-06:00

So I was thinking, an FAQ session would be fun. I have had some frequently asked questions lately, but mostly I just wanted to feel important.

Why haven't you posted lately?
I don't know. Just haven't felt great, and haven't thought of anything good to say.

How did your doctor appointment go?
Fine. I was asleep for the whole thing. I have been officially diagnosed with interstitial cystitis.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Both. IC is a lifetime thing: a "complex, chronic disorder that has baffled doctors for as long as it has been recognized". Of course the good thing is, now I have name for my pain and a gameplan of how to live with it.

What is the gameplan?
Taking Elmiron, waiting for it to work, and changing my diet.

How long does Elmiron take to work?
I could see results anywhere from 4 weeks to 6 months. My doctor said since I'm so young, I may be feeling better within 6 weeks (so I'm praying for that!).

Are there serious side effects?
No. I guess there are some mild ones, but I just started the drug this past Saturday and haven't noticed anything but a little nausea.

What is your diet like?
No artificial flavors or colors, no additives or preservatives, no tomatoes, no chocolate, no fun. Just joking. It has actually not been too bad. If you're interested, here's a list of what I can and can't have.

Can you ever eat out again?
Yes. I think when the medicine is working better I will be able to "cheat" from time to time. We have already found that I can eat the Guiltless Chicken Platter from Chili's and have no pain afterwards.

What do you do all day?
Sleep, lay on a heating pad, take pain pills, watch Friends episodes, read, help plan meals with my parents, talk to friends online, and that's about it. If I'm having a good day I go out for a little while but at this point it's very unpredictable how I will feel.

Do you get to go back to ACU in the fall?
Man, I hope so! I want nothing more than to just continue with a 'normal life'. If I think it is possible, I'll definitely be back in Abilene by August. If things aren't much better, there is no way I could handle school. So, we've been calling it 'realistic optimism' - hoping for things to turn out well, but not counting on it absolutely.

* * *

So those are usually the questions I get. If you think of anything I left out, leave a comment and I'd be happy to answer it if I can. Now for some fake FAQs:

What is with you and saying "Jello" all the time? Is it your favorite food?
I don't know why I say it, and no it is not. It's just a good back-up word in case you need to blurt something out at any given moment.

Why do you call Tracy Schiebel, "Tark"?
Because that is her nickname that I made up for her long ago. No reason, it is just her name. If you do not already call her this, you probably should. It's a good name and fits. She is very "Tarky".

If you felt better today, what would you be doing?
I'd see if Carly and Heather wanted to go kayaking and swimming in the Poudre. That would be the best! And then maybe ride some go-karts. And go to Estes Park. Oh, um, just read my list.

What have you been excited about lately?

DuelLikeRealMen.com
Please at least watch the Video Power Talk clip. You won't regret it. Or maybe you will. It's so terrible you can't get it out of your head! But seriously, watch it.

My mom got me school supplies! I'm not in school so I don't know what to do with them yet, but they were too perfect not to pass up. Argyle AND purple and green?!? (the best colors ever)...YES!!!

My friend Jim made this!!! How cool is that? Pretty cool, I'd say. When I can't go outside I like to look at it and pretend that I'm around these beautiful autumn trees. Or at least pretend I am a giant with a very tiny landscape area in my hand...

My new 17-inch MacBookPro. Very very cool. A built-in video camera, backlit keyboard, and it's pretty. It's going to be flippin' sweet for video editing. If you're into the tech specs, you can check it out here.

The Forsyte Saga. Heather and I have been watching this odd English soap opera, but we're pretty hooked.

Good Thing Kix Cereal Has No Preservatives...

2006-05-15T18:23:00.000-06:00

The appointment went well on Thursday. The doctor did not give a definite diagnosis yet but he did say that he thinks it is probably interstitial cystitis (IC). I hate putting bladder stuff on my blog so sorry to gross you out. You can just check out that link if you are interested, or not, depending on how much information you actually wanted to know...

They did an MRI on Thursday too. They are also going to do a cystoscopy on May 30th. So I am very glad he is trying something. I am definitely up for trying something rather than doing nothing.

The thing about IC (if that is what I have) is that changing your diet can really help your symptoms. I'm not going to list everything they suggest avoiding, but it's definitely going to be different. My parents and I figured we might as well try it to see if it helps. My mom has been great. Seriously. I find recipes that are "IC-Friendly" on the internet, print them out, and then she heads to the grocery store and hunts for all the crazy preservative-free foods that she can use to make me really delicious stuff (that was a long sentence...Too lazy to try and tackle restructuring that, but hopefully you get the point).

That's about all I have for now. Everyone has seriously been great. Thank you, friends and family, for your prayers and for helping to keep my spirits up! :)

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end--
Because I am GOD, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior."
-Isaiah 43:1ish-3ish (The Message)

Doctors and Corn Dogs

2006-05-10T18:15:00.000-06:00

Well tomorrow is the big day. I'm going to see the specialist in Denver. I was counting today, and I think he will be the 10th doctor I've seen since January when this all started. Ten sounds like a good number, don't you think? I mean, that's really enough. I'm hoping and praying he knows something. I would be a big fan of feeling better.

My mom and I have still been reading a lot out loud to each other. It helps distract me from the pain and it's a bunch of fun. We read this book a week or two ago that has us laughing quite a bit. This girl, Rosie, decided to run for president at school. Here is a poem she came up with for her campaign to change school lunches. And just for the record, I want to say I actually like corn dogs. Don't care if they are gross, sometimes a meal on a stick is just what you need. But anyways, I still wanted to share this with you:

Dear Mr. Corn Dog,
What are you…really?
Your inside is meaty
Your outside is mealy.

Are you a yo-yo?
Was it a clue?
You went down at lunch,
And you came up at two?

Now you look worse
Than you did when I ate you.
I've splattered your batter,
And now, dog, I hate you.

I'm here in the bathroom,
I’m still feeling sick.
And all I’ve got left
Of my lunch is your stick.

Dear Mr. Corn Dog,
I’m not being nosy,
But what are you…really?
Sincerely yours,
Rosie

-Rosie Swanson: Fourth-Grade Geek for President by Barbara Park

But seriously, all corn dogs aside, I would love your prayers for me and my appointment tomorrow. I have been waiting for this day and I am really hoping he has some good ideas about how to help me!

For Heather

2006-04-28T15:22:00.000-06:00

I was talking to my good friend Heather and she suggested that I make a list of things I want to do when I feel better (which is going to be tomorrow by the way). So here goes:

Go to Bear Lake
Hug Myland and Quay
Go rollerblading
Go ice skating
Drive a go-kart
Go camping
Find an internship
Edit some video clips
Go to church
Go for a bike ride
Play with Carly's dogs, Tat and Idgy
Go kayaking with Carly
Go swimming in the Poudre River
Go to the Ribolavin with Jules and Brady and visit the goats
Have a Gilmore Girls marathon with Jules and Brady
Watch the Sesame Street/Muppet Christmas with Jamie
Go geocaching with Heather
Go to Old Navy and look at skirts
Hug my roommates and eat a really big dinner with them and then lay on the floor together and groan
Play SuperNintendo with Drew and fight over the controller
Sit on top of the marching band tower at night and eat Happy Meals with Jules, Brady, and Jamie (oh wait, um....we don't do that....)
Bake Ambushed Turtle Spoon cookies with Jules
Go to New Life Church and talk with 5-year-old Grant Parker about building stuff and playing Atari games
Drive up to Horsetooth Reservoir and have a picnic with my mom and dad
Go to Fossil Ridge park and watch the skateboarders show off and the little kids play

If I got to do any of those things soon that would be amazingly wonderful. Let me know if you think of anything that my list is missing.

A Solution To My Problems

2006-04-14T12:50:00.000-06:00

This is a shop, (or should I say shoppe) created by my good friend Carly and I a few years ago. If it was real, I could purchase a new torso and get rid my pain! Sorry about 'receive' being spelling incorrectly by the way. It's annoying but I guess not annoying enough to fix.

My appointment with my family doctor yesterday went pretty well. I had forgotten how wonderfully nice and supportive he is. He thinks that we are at the point where I need to see a specialist in Denver. The only problem is that they cannot get me in until May! There may be a possibility of getting me in sooner but we don't know anything for sure either way yet.

Jules is here! She is keeping me company and making me laugh which is good. My mom says that Julia is babysitting me while she has to go to work, which is pretty much true. Hopefully, my babysitter will find directions to James Dean's Torso Shoppe soon so she can take me and we can end this pain once and for all!

God is Good But Santa Could

2006-04-12T13:30:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know. That is what my mom thought I said yesterday in the doctor's waiting room. We were hysterical for awhile there. I actually said something like, "I thought of something that sounded good," but close enough.

The appointment yesterday was somewhat productive. He is stumped but thinks I should continue the rest of the process with my family doctor. He offered to call for us so we could get in sooner, so I have an appointment with him tomorrow.

Jules is coming to visit! I am so excited. I hope I don't bore her to tears since I lay around all day in my Umbros (remember those?!?), taking my pain meds and readjusting the temp on my heating pad. But it sure is going to be great to see her.

Happy birthday, Mom! I guess I won't reveal your age on here, but I'm pretty sure your hearing problems will give people a good guess ;)

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

2006-04-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

So my mom had to get a root canal. Then, it got all infected, poor thing. We've been wallowing together in our pain, just counting down the time until we can take our next dose of pain medicine. My dad has been great. He runs errands and brings us things all day long and always with a smile. Sadly, however, he's leaving for his business trip soon and my mom and I will be on our own. We are a pretty pathetic pair! We keep getting in arguments over who is more fit to help the other one out. No news from my last appointment, but I'll update this after my one on Tuesday.

Um...er...my title here

2006-04-03T18:54:00.000-06:00

Got into the doctor today. He's not sure what's going on so he sent me on to the urologist. My appointment with him is on Wednesday morning.

The Mysterious Pain Continues

2006-04-02T19:48:00.000-06:00

Sadly, I am still in quite a bit of pain. (Unless you were one of the many people I called right after my surgery. I can't remember what I said to you all, but I remember feeling GREAT from whatever drugs I was on!) At first we thought the pain was just my body recovering from the surgery, but now I'm feeling pretty much the same as I did before.

I never updated on here, but they didn't end up finding any endometriosis. Instead, they found my appendix in an odd spot. It was a bit bigger than normal and had some tissue growing on it, so they went ahead and removed that.

So I will try to keep you updated on any news. My parents are going to call the doctor for me tomorrow (Monday) morning. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty discouraged and frustrated that I don't feel better yet, so please be praying that I can be patient and trust in God's timing!

4 days and counting

2006-03-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

I didn't forget to post I just haven't been feeling the greatest. But the surgery is scheduled for next Monday, so that is wonderful news! I am praying that they find something and can treat it. The procedure is actually called a laparoscopy. It doesn't sound bad at all. The doctor will make an incision inside my belly-button (sweet!) and possibly one or two more if he needs to. It will be done in a surgery center and I get to go home that day.

I miss everything about ACU and I am so bummed that I didn't get to see Myland and Quay last night and all of the other kids from the Tuesday night class. Poor Jules is stuck by herself, but at least Bret taught us the power of cereal/crackers as bribery.

Staying at home has been nice though. My parents have been spoiling me so much. My mom reads to me quite a bit and makes sure I take my Vicodin four times a day. My dad is working from home on the days my mom works. He is so cute. He still dresses up in his Dockers and button-up shirts even though he is working on a card table in the family room. He made the couch bed for me today so I wasn't stuck upstairs all by myself for the whole day.

I had my pre-op appointment today. I met the doctor that's going to be doing the surgery and I like him a lot. He seems to know quite a bit about endometriosis and answered a lot of questions that my mom and I had.

I'm so afraid of missing this much school. I still don't know if I'm going to be able to make up some or all of my classes or if I am missing way too much class for that to even be a possibility. Dean Barnard called me today and he is going to contact all of my professors for me which is amazing.

Thank you everyone for your support, phone calls, e-mails, and prayers! If I find out anything about school I'll try to post. The plan right now is to come back as soon as I recover, but my post-op appointment isn't scheduled until April 6th which adds even more time away. There still is a possibility of having the post-op changed or even seeing a doctor in Abilene, which would mean coming back a little bit sooner. I can't wait to see everyone again :)

Endo....plasmic Reticulum?

2006-03-17T16:58:00.001-07:00

Wait, that's not it. So anyways, the doctor I saw yesterday thinks that there is a good chance that it is endometriosis. They want to do a minor surgery to see if they can remove the tissue that's causing the pain. That's really all I know for now. We haven't heard back from them yet so I'm not sure what day the procedure will be. Since it's Friday I guess we won't hear until Monday by the earliest about when they can get me in.

Headin' to the Fort

2006-03-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well this has been a crazy month. Most of you know that I have been having severe abdominal and back pains. I've been going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what's wrong. So far, I've had x-rays, bloodwork (it turns out that I am not pregnant...hmm...), and a gall bladder ultra sound.

I also had a CT scan which was quite the ordeal. They make you drink a bunch of this Crystal Light raspberry tea with saccharin that is mixed with the medicine. It turns out tasting like black licorice-grape-cough syrup-tea. Mmm! Then, they give you a shot with iodine which makes your insides glow and makes you feel very very warm.

After that, I had an MRI done in case there was an injury done to pinch one of my nerves. And then I had a colonoscopy! Yay! Everything has been negative so far. The doctors are stumped.

My family and I have been thinking this might be endometriosis because of the symptoms and the fact that my cousin had it and possibly my grandmother as well. The first person to diagnose me with this was my roommate Becca. She guessed this in mid January one night when I was on the floor doubled over in pain with a mix of yelling loudly and then laughing at myself for yelling so loudly. So if that's what it is, Becca is a genius and should seriously consider changing her major from "Speech Pathology" to, "Becca, Mad Skills at Diagnosing People Pro 5000". Okay, so she is graduating this May. But still.

My parents and I just decided a few hours ago to head back to Fort Collins. If I didn't, I'd have to wait about 2 weeks to get in to see a pain management specialist or a gynecologist. We got in to see a doctor in Fort Collins this Thursday, so that sounded much better to me.

Please be praying for our safety as we travel, my pain (owwwwwwwwwwww), and for the doctors. I'll try to keep everyone somewhat updated but I just am not sure how I will feel.

Thankfully, heating pads help the pain. I have a contraption that plugs into the cigarette lighter in the car so that I can use them on the way home.

I Love You, George

2006-02-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

The Mouth Dream Files

2006-02-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that I have what I call "mouth dreams". This is where I dream that something is ever-present in my mouth (whether that be toothpaste, vomit, food, or anything) and I usually cannot talk or function well with this bothersome issue.

So my latest mouth dream took place at this outdoor convention. I'm not sure what it was for, but there were lots of tables set up and I was sitting at one, waiting to listen to the speaker. Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls was there! I know his name is Scott Patterson in real life, but he was Luke Danes in my dream. He had the plaid shirt and backwards hat and everything, and besides that, people were calling him Luke. Except that we weren't in Gilmore Girls, and it was like real life where he was famous and everyone knew he was from that show. But dreams are confusing like that.

Anyways, Luke introduced the speaker of the convention and then came and sat at my table. My table!!! I was very excited to meet him and tell him that I was a fan. Sadly, however, I had part of a loofa in my mouth. Yes, a loofa. One of those shower things. So I was chewing on my loofa and could not communicate at all! It didn't matter how hard I tried to pull it out of my mouth, it would just re-appear.

Fortunately, a mouth dream first happened for me. I decided to explain to Luke why I could not talk to him (okay, it doesn't really make sense now, but you should have been there). So I explained to him that I was having a hard time speaking because I was chewing on a loofa.

"A loofa?!?" He asked.
"Yeah. Sorta like chewing tobacco," I replied.

And then, as magically as it had appeared, the loofa in my mouth left me! This is a huge triumph. I am either hoping to have no more mouth dreams (well maybe not - they are kinda amusing when they aren't frustrating) or at least be able to conquer all future mouth dreams from now on.

So I am sure you are wondering what happened after this. Well, Luke happened to be giving a guest lecture at ACU and invited me along to help him. He said to the class, "Today my lecture will be based on this one quote," and then proceeded to state a very lengthy quote. All of the students wanted to make sure they had all of the quote down in their notes, so I volunteered to write it on the board for them.

At first, I was very upset because it was a chalkboard and I do not like chalkboards or the way that chalk feels in my hands. Fortunately though, the chalk was in a chalk-holder so that I did not have to feel it while I wrote. (Another success in my dream-life! Yesssss!!!)

Sadly, after I wrote the entire quote on the board for all of the class to see, they could not read it because I had to write so small for all of the quote to fit on the board. This is when Luke Danes suggested that I go to the library to make a copy of his paper version of the quote and then transfer it to an overhead transparency. That is just how smart Luke Danes is.

So I left the classroom, determined to help Luke Danes and save the world, but the ACU Library was very very frustrating. All of the librarians were busy with other important tasks. No one would help me with the transparency! I kept going further back into the library until I got to a super-secret room where the library owner lived, who of course was Martha Stewart.

I explained the dilemma to Martha Stewart who seemed like she was probably going to help me, but I will never know because that is when I woke up.

It was a pretty good dream overall. I have never had so much success with my mouth struggles! Okay, so maybe there are bigger problems to worry about, like say, real life, but I just thought I'd share my triumph with all of you anyway.

Reading Response

2006-01-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

"No blows were exchanged, but occasionally someone from one side or the other would pass through a gauntlet of catcalls and icy stares...She accused them of having taken many of her personal belongings...'They even stole my underwear', she said."
-Salvation on Sand Mountain by Dennis Covington

What are people willing to do because of their faith? How strongly can a group of people believe in something that it causes them to throw common sense, dignity, and basic human morals to the wind? What do holding on to those beliefs despite the costs mean? When is it ever okay to sacrifice love when you believe you must hold on to your truth?

Dr. Money says, "We can respond to these gay rights activists by telling them what we really think," and half of the ACU chapel crowd applauds?!?
- - - - -
"Crucify! Crucify him!"
He tried a third time. "But for what crime? I've found nothing in him deserving death. I'm going to warn him to watch his step and let him go."
But they kept at it, a shouting mob, demanding that he be crucified. And finally they shouted him down. Pilate caved in and gave them what they wanted.
-Luke 23:21-23, The Message

Is it justice? Why the need to seek it as if we as humans even know what that is? What gives us power as a human to exert our definition of 'justice' over another individual? How would we ever know the full story of anything, and how is violence and hatred ever going to fix or solve what we want changed?

when justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
the ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor
-"My Enemies Are Men Like Me" by Derek Webb

My Dad Was Imploded

2006-01-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

Okay my mom came up with that clever title. So my dad just got his lithotripsy and he's supposed to drink a gallon of water a day for a month. 128 ounces. Twice the recommended amount. So my mom and I are being supportive and we said we'd do it with him. I wanted to call it something cute like "The Gallon Guzzle", but now I'm pretty sure that the name that fits best is, "The Ultimate Pee-Fest."

Argyle Style

2006-01-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

So the new look is up!
Thanks to Julia Reid, Google, Photoshop, and the wonders of CSS

Pucker Up

2006-01-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Luke and I thought we were posing for a picture, but Kris was taking this video instead!

Click on picture to download video

Baker Brilliance

2005-12-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

I am making this herbed oatmeal bread today. I called my mom to ask her if "rolled oats" meant you had to put them in a ziploc bag and roll them with a rolling pin. She laughed. I'm guessing that means no.

Unexplained Melancholy

2005-11-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

Does everything ever just seem really silent? It doesn't matter what's going on around you, the sounds just seem to filter into white noise. I'm not sure why, but today is like that. Eye contact is painful and a real smile seems out of the question.

"beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me"
-Derek Webb, Beloved

Butterfly in the sky...I can go twice as high

2005-11-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today, class, we will be sharing our favorite picture books from our childhood. Here are some that I remember:

Tacky the Penguin - "Tacky was an odd bird but a very nice bird to have around."
"Corduroy is a bear who once lived in the toy department of a big store..."
Curious George - "He was a good little monkey and always very curious."
Miss Nelson is Missing! - "The kids in Room 207 were misbehaving again."
"If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk..."
The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs! - "Way back in Once Upon a Time time, I was making a birthday cake for my dear old granny."
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day - "I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair..."
Gregory the Terrible Eater - "But Gregory was not an average goat. He was a terrible eater."
Caps! Caps for Sale! Fifty cents a cap!
Meanwhile Back at the Ranch...
Could Be Worse! - "At Grandpa's house, things were always the same..."
"Tikki Tikki Tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo"

So there are some that I could think of. Now please tell me your favorites!

Alrighty, Jeff-A-Saurus Rex

2005-11-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

This is a survey from Jeff Tipps. It is odd because you have to answer the question 5 times. Jeff, you silly-billy-goo-goo.

If you could be any board game, what would you be?
1) Hungry Hungry Hippos
2) Twister: The Jello Edition
3) Tiddlywinks
4) Monopoly (Jeff version)
5) Any game without a spinning wheel. If I were a spinning wheel, I'd get very dizzy.

If you had a dog that lived underwater, what would you name it?
1) Jeff, the Underwater Dog
2) Stanley (he would wear goggles because even though he lives underwater, he kinda has sensitive eyes. Poor Stanley.)
3) Carrot-Top
4) Swimmy McSwimmerson
5) Paul Anka (watch Gilmore Girls!)

If you could have anything for Christmas, what would it be?
1) YBP Investigates: Where is Sharon Now? A Documentary
2) Gilmore Girls 4th Season on DVD
3) A grey long-sleeved shirt
4) A new carabiner keychain
5) A big soup pot

If you had a cat but could only name it after articles of clothing, what would you name it?
1) Sweater Vest
2) Suspenders
3) Toe Socky McSockerson (Fluffy Meowington for short)
4) Ski pants
5) Jello. (wait, what was the question again?)

Self-Righteous Service Versus True Service

2005-11-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

The following was read in chapel last week and it is so amazing. I wish I fit in the "true service" category more, that can be so difficult! These quotes are taken from Richard Foster's book, Celebration of Discipline.

"Self-righteous service comes through human effort.
True service comes from a relationship with the divine Other deep inside.

Self-righteous service is impressed with the "big deal." It enjoys serving, especially when the service is titanic.
True service finds it almost impossible to distinguish the small from the large service. Where a difference is noted, the true servant is often drawn to the small service, not out of false modesty, but because he genuinely sees it as the more important task.

Self-righteous service requires external rewards. It needs to know that people see and appreciate the effort. It seeks human applause - with proper religious modesty of course.
True service rests contented in hiddenness. It does not fear the lights and blare of attention, but does not seek them either. Since it is living out of a new Center of reference, the divine nod of approval is completely sufficient.

Self-righteous service is highly concerned about results. It eagerly waits to see if the person served will reciprocate in kind. It becomes bitter when the results fall below expectations.
True service is free of the need to calculate results. It delights only in the service. It can serve enemies as freely as friends.

Self-righteous service picks and chooses whom to serve. Sometimes the high and powerful are served because that will ensure a certain advantage. Sometimes the low and defenseless are served because that will ensure a humble image.
True service is indiscriminate in its ministry. It has heard the command of Jesus to be the "servant of all" (Mark 9:35).

Self-righteous service is affected by moods and whims. It can serve only when there is a "feeling" to serve ("moved by the Spirit" as we say). Ill health or inadequate sleep controls the desire to serve.
True service ministers simply and faithfully because there is a need. It knows that the "feeling to serve" can often be a hindrance to true service. The service disciplines the feelings rather than allowing the feeling to control the service.

Self-righteous service is temporary. It functions only while the specific acts of service are being performed. Having served, it can rest easy.
True service is a life-style. It acts from ingrained patterns of living. It springs spontaneously to meet human need.

Self-righteous service is insensitive. It insists on meeting the need even when to do so would be destructive. It demands the opportunity to help.
True service can withhold the service as freely as perform it. It can listen with tenderness and patience before acting. It can serve by waiting in silence.

Self-righteous service fractures community. In the final analysis, once all the religious trappings are removed, it centers in the glorification of the individual. Therefore it puts others into the debt and becomes one of the most subtle and destructive forms of manipulation known.
True service builds community. It quietly and unpretentiously goes about caring for the needs of others. It draws, binds, heals, builds."

Reminds Me of Rosie

2005-11-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

Julia and I have discovered that the door knockers on UP apartments strongly resemble robots. Please check next time if you are doubting me. We named the one on Brady and Andrew's door "Roy" and the one across the walkway "Thelma". Jeff has just recently named the walkway "Hank". But back to Roy and Thelma. They spend all day just looking at each other. They are in love. I am so happy for Roy and Thelma.

...And Julia Loves Her Chainsaw

2005-11-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post lately if that counts for anything. Here's the update of what's been going on:

2 Potlucks last weekend - could life be any better? (to be said like Chandler from Friends)
I threw up at the pumpkin party - too much mucus intake
I lost my voice

Dustin says I sound like a man
My mom says I sound like a little girl
Other people say I sound "sultry" or "sexy"
Andrew says, "You just sound like you are sick."

I realized that I live pretty close to the railroad tracks
Julia and Elanor helped me turn Dustin into a lovely Snow White
The waitress at Texas Roadhouse didn't know how to print our checks, making Julia and I 30 minutes late to our Bible class (that we teach).
One kindergartener from our class accidentally made the shelf come out of the wall in the classroom, causing blocks, toys, crayons, papers, and who knows what else to fall down all over the room.
Gilmore Girls was a re-run...ugh!!!
I got my car back and it's working beautifully! Yay!
Brady (who has recently changed his name to Braedon) wants an Awful Wiorn (or a Waffle Iron)
Band Retreat this weekend!
...And Julia loves her chainsaw

Me Too, Linus, Me Too...

2005-10-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Jamie

Reflections on Important Issues (Gilmore Girls)

2005-10-25T22:59:00.000-06:00

Favorite Gilmore Girls Quote of the Night:
"This drink tastes like a My Little Pony."
-Luke

Luke has been my favorite character lately, since I'm pretty upset with Rory right now. Hopefully she will come around soon and things can be happy again. The preview for next week was interesting...pretty ironic if it's Jess that will set her straight.

Fall Break Cook-Out

2005-10-23T08:54:00.000-06:00

This is Dustin, Andrew, and Ross rockin' out at Lake Ft. Phantom on Friday night.

Tag, I'm It

2005-10-22T13:23:00.000-06:00

I've been out of the loop on these blog things, but the tag thing sounded like fun. No one tagged me for this one, but I felt like tagging myself.

This is where I was...

10 Years Ago (October 1995)
I was in 6th grade at Johnson Elementary, in Mrs. Reent's class. My best friends were Becca Saxe and Brittany Porter. We were really into Winnie the Pooh stuff for some reason. That's really all I remember!

5 Years Ago (October 2000)
Haha! Reading my old journal entries.

I was a Junior in at Rocky Mountain High School.
I had just started dating Bret Sosebee and was all 'twitterpaited' with him at the time.
I was in jazz band (playing at the annual "chili Supper") and regular band (getting ready for the homecoming parade).
Ali and I went to "Kohl's" for the first time.
Carly and I had just started to become good friends and she came to church with me. (One day we decided to switch dressing styles and see how many people we could fool!)
I hung out with the kids from my youth group all the time, and we loved to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and download songs off of Napster (our youth minister had a cable modem at the time, which seemed so unbelievably fast!)
My cat, Hobbes, went missing and we never found him.
I was playing field hockey on the city team but beginning to get sick of it.
My car alarm randomly went off and I couldn't figure out how to stop it! I had to drive it all the way home while it blared the entire time...pretty embarrassing.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled.
My brother Ryan was 19 years old and was going to the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley.
I was working at Crider & Company
I was preparing "The Cascades" by Scott Joplin for my piano recital.
Looks like that was about it. Pretty busy month for me back then!

1 Year Ago (October 2004)
I was taking a year off from school and living at home because of what we thought at the time was Bipolar Disorder type II but ended up being just a major despression. I was on Prozac and Lithium and feeling the worst I've ever felt. I slept about 12-16 hours a day.
I was dating Matt Hurley at the time and I don't think we were getting a long too well.
Most of that time is a blur to me!

1 Month Ago (September 2005)
I was just starting up my first semester back at ACU and loving most of it. Still getting a little tired every once in a while but handling things much better than before.

Living with Elanor Rimmer and Becca Lemons
Doing pledging activities for the new members of Alpha kai Omega
Marching in band
Going to grub
Hanging out a bunch with Julia Reid, Brady Wilburn, and Andrew Straight

Okay, my long entry is over. I won't tag anyone because most people have done this already...plus I cheated and tagged myself.

Oh yeah, my blog...

2005-10-21T10:59:00.000-06:00

I felt like writing in here again. Didn't feel like doing much writing this past year when I was sick. A lot of the time I felt so crummy, I couldn't think of anything positive to say! But anyway, everything is going really well now so I thought maybe I'd start posting on here some more. Probably mostly because everyone at ACU does it, and I give into the peer pressure. Does anyone read this anymore? Probably not...oh, the possibilities when you know you have no audience!

2004-10-06T11:43:00.000-06:00

Taken October 5, 2004

Have Patience, Have Patience

2004-10-06T10:08:00.000-06:00

I find myself singing that song from "The Music Machine" record I used to listen to. Does that mean I'm old if I used to listen to records? Anyway, Herbert the Snail sang:

Have patience, have patience
Don't be in such a hurry
When you get impatient
You only start to worry
Remember, remember
That God is patient too
And think of all the times
When others had to wait for you!

It's a good little song. Except in this case, I am waiting for me (to feel better). I'm getting anxious to be back in Abilene. As much as I love Fort Collins, I am so ready to see my friends and be involved in everything that I'm missing right now.

Yesterday, I went on a bike ride with Carly's mom, Molly. We took our cameras so that we could take pictures of the leaves. The trees are beautiful!

I have 2 doctors' appointments on Friday. One is with my regular psychiatrist to check up on my medications. My antsyness (not really a word, but it is to me!) is a lot better. I can sit down long enough to read from a book again, which is a very good sign.

My other appointment is with a doctor that my mom wants me to see. He may change my diet by adding supplements I guess. It has not been proven that this can help, but I figure it can't hurt.

A Beautiful Day

2004-09-27T20:20:00.000-06:00

It rained while the sun was shining today. That is my all-time favorite weather! It is so beautiful. And extremely fun to play in, which I did. I got my jeans all soaked from jumping in puddles but you are never too old to do that, right?
My medicines are confusing right now. I'm not sure which one is causing this, but I am extremely antsty. "Inability to sit still" is a side-effect of both the ones I'm on and one that I just stopped taking so I'm not sure what's going on yet. Even eating soup can be messy if I'm not careful, because I can't keep my hand that still, and putting on mascara is a dangerous job! Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good! I'm staying very active, just not doing one activity for more than 5 or 10 minutes. Having said that, I'm done writing in this blog for now and off to something else!

Feeling Better (for real this time?!?)

2004-09-22T20:17:00.000-06:00

I went to the Dr. again. A new psychiatrist this time, which makes him the 5th one I've seen. A different doctor means a different opinion, but that is okay. I'm willing to try whatever. He agrees that I am Bipolar Type II, but that I have a mixed state, which is why I have racing thoughts and experiene depression at the same time. He also explained that the symptoms for mood disorders can develop over time; which apparently means everything could have gotten worse without treatment.
Now, I'm trying another mood stabilizer, Lithium, and stopping the anti-psychotic. The Lithium will treat the racing thoughts and the depression will continue to be treated by the Prozac.
I'm feeling better since I've been on the Prozac for a week now.
I've been making more of an effort to recover now which is definitely a good thing! Today, Carly and I made a schedule for me to stick to all day so that I don't spend all day sleeping. Also, I've been keeping track of how much nighttime sleep I get, how my moods are, how much water I drink, how much exercise I do, etc.
That's all I have for now. I may be coming back to Abilene a week after Bid Weekend (Oct 3rdish). Matt is coming to visit, so if I feel better then, I will travel back with him :)

2004-09-22T20:15:00.000-06:00

A similar view from Bear Lake in RMNP, taken September 20, 2004

From A Mental Hospital Patient

2004-09-11T19:47:00.000-06:00

I meant to update this more but I guess I haven't felt up to it. I've been attending the local mental hospital this week during the days. I don't have to stay overnight because I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else...but other than that I guess I’m as loony as they get ;) Here's the breakdown of the day:

9:15-10:00 Come up with personal goals for the day and talk to Coordinator about my treatment
10:00-11:00 Relapse Prevention Group (write down who I consider my supporters, what behaviors caused me to come to the hospital, triggers that caused those behaviors, an action plan)
11:00-12:00 Process Group (everyone shares their own story and gets input from other patients)
1:00-2:00 Skills Group (learn ways to handle problems identified during Relapse Prevention Group )
2:00-3:00 Experiential Group (either self-relaxation time or group problem-solving games)

Monday is my last day. They have changed my diagnosis once and the medication twice. The uncertainty of all of this is what irks me the most. Every doctor has their own opinion on what path I should take next. Who knows which path will work and which one will take 3 weeks to find out that it’s not such a good strategy after all.

For now, bipolar disorder is out the window because my ‘normal’ phases don’t fit the hypomanic descriptions. Another reason the anti-depressants aren’t working effectively, then, could be because of the racing thoughts that I have quite often. There are several at once, almost like I’m in a crowded mall. Hopefully these voices will be quieted with the anti-psychotic, while Paxil is being used for the depression.

Now that my body is free of the Depakote, I am feeling tons better. I feel less like a sloth and more like a human again. I have more energy, appetite, and sense of hope. Today I even got out of the house more than once, and spent time with my family and my friend Ali. Coming back to Abilene seems more attainable today than it has in the past week. And I am definitely looking forward to going to church tomorrow (especially since I haven’t felt up to going since I’ve been home)!

That’s all I have for now. I’ll try to update this after some of my doctors appointments this week.

A Sudden Change in Plans

2004-08-29T22:51:00.000-06:00

Well I'm in Fort Collins. I'm still in shock that I'm here and not enrolled in school anymore. Most people don't even know yet, hey, I didn't find out until Friday morning. It's probably a good thing but I hate to be away from Abilene and everything going on there.

For those of you that read this and don't know, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type II). My parents and doctor were unsure about me going back to school this fall, but I convinced them to let me try things out during welcome week and the 1st week of school. I made it okay for some of things, but a lot of times I felt really cruddy. The mood stabilizer they put me on, Depakote, hasn't kicked in yet. It's a frustrating thing but I am trying to be as patient as I can.

As soon as I feel better, my mom promises I can go back to Abilene, which isn't too consoling for many reasons. First of all, I feel "better" sometimes for a week or even a month, and think that I am beating this...Then I slip right back into the depression side which makes it even more frustrating and discouraging. But once I learn how to deal with this more effectively, and the doctors get me on the right drugs, I hope that I can truly feel better for the majority of the time. But when I do go back to Abilene, what will I do? I hate the thought of not being in school for an entire semester (in theory I hate it. But even during the first week, I had days when getting myself to go to class was a lot harder than it should have been...And wasn't always successful). I hope I get to go back to Abilene soon though, and maybe volunteer and work somewhere.

So for now I'll be here, reading, spending time with my family, and going to doctors appointments. Sleeping is usually my favorite way to escape when I feel down, but my sleep patterns vary because of the drugs and disorder itself, so hopefully that can be regulated soon.

There are some people who I have labeled 'The Mean Team' who keep me going. The team consists of my parents, my best friend Carly, and my boyfriend Matt. They make me do things I don't like to do, such as take my medicine, get out of bed, eat, drink water, go jogging, and just get out of the house. I know it sounds silly but those simple things can take more energy out of me than I know how to express. It seems so ridiculous and I often get angry because of it, but I love the Mean Team all the more for their patience and persistence despite my whining.

That is pretty much what my life will consist of until who knows when. I hate to miss everything that is going on at ACU and wish that I could be a part of it all. But then again, for the short time I was there, I chose sleeping instead of going to events that I had at one point in time, wanted to go to. So I guess right now, focusing on coping with this isn't such a bad plan and I don't blame my parents for dragging me home after all. Please keep me updated on everything that's going on, and I will try to do the same. Please also pray that God will heal me and that I can be patient for His timing.

Here's the verse Matt and I picked out for the week: 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, first from the NIV and then the Message:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Freedom???

2004-07-05T15:09:00.000-06:00

"It cannot mean to serve ourselves
That doesn't mean a thing
It doesn't mean to give the license
To seek ourselves in anything
That would be slavery to ourselves it isn't free
Jesus Christ, the only thing that freedom means to me"

-Five Iron Fenzy, Anthem

Memorial Day Trip!

2004-05-31T21:33:00.000-06:00

Today I went with my parents to Rocky Moutain National Park. It was so beautiful! Plus, I was very excited that I had to wear a sweatshirt (Matt's Pi Kappa one, by the way) and a coat! It's not that cold here in town though - perfect weather for sitting outside. Tonight I was going to read Little Women with my mom, because we love to read out loud to each other. When I went into her room at 9pm, she was already asleep! In fact, now it is 9:40 and everyone in my family is sleeping! What's the dealio? Did I miss the memo on going to bed extremely early? I guess so. Tomorrow I get to see the Crider family, so I am very pumped about that. I haven't seen Nolan since December and he is starting to pull himself up now which is exciting. Welp I just thought I'd share that picture with y'all (see what Texas has done to me?!? People here are making fun of me, but I told them to get over it, because it really is a good word). Hasta la pasta.

A view from Bear Lake in Rocky Moutain National Park.

A quote that Hayley thinks I should copyright

2004-05-24T23:11:00.000-06:00

The more you pretend to be confident, the less people will think that you aren't.

Bloggity Blogs-a-lot!

2004-05-23T17:15:00.000-06:00

I have my own blog! Woo hoo!!! Um nothing to say except that I'll be in Colorado in 5 days and that is very exciting. It is time to get out of this scorching Texas heat. If I can figure out how to put a picture on here I will try. Going to work on my speech now.