Sunday, August 29, 2004

A Sudden Change in Plans

Well I'm in Fort Collins. I'm still in shock that I'm here and not enrolled in school anymore. Most people don't even know yet, hey, I didn't find out until Friday morning. It's probably a good thing but I hate to be away from Abilene and everything going on there.

For those of you that read this and don't know, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type II). My parents and doctor were unsure about me going back to school this fall, but I convinced them to let me try things out during welcome week and the 1st week of school. I made it okay for some of things, but a lot of times I felt really cruddy. The mood stabilizer they put me on, Depakote, hasn't kicked in yet. It's a frustrating thing but I am trying to be as patient as I can.

As soon as I feel better, my mom promises I can go back to Abilene, which isn't too consoling for many reasons. First of all, I feel "better" sometimes for a week or even a month, and think that I am beating this...Then I slip right back into the depression side which makes it even more frustrating and discouraging. But once I learn how to deal with this more effectively, and the doctors get me on the right drugs, I hope that I can truly feel better for the majority of the time. But when I do go back to Abilene, what will I do? I hate the thought of not being in school for an entire semester (in theory I hate it. But even during the first week, I had days when getting myself to go to class was a lot harder than it should have been...And wasn't always successful). I hope I get to go back to Abilene soon though, and maybe volunteer and work somewhere.

So for now I'll be here, reading, spending time with my family, and going to doctors appointments. Sleeping is usually my favorite way to escape when I feel down, but my sleep patterns vary because of the drugs and disorder itself, so hopefully that can be regulated soon.

There are some people who I have labeled 'The Mean Team' who keep me going. The team consists of my parents, my best friend Carly, and my boyfriend Matt. They make me do things I don't like to do, such as take my medicine, get out of bed, eat, drink water, go jogging, and just get out of the house. I know it sounds silly but those simple things can take more energy out of me than I know how to express. It seems so ridiculous and I often get angry because of it, but I love the Mean Team all the more for their patience and persistence despite my whining.

That is pretty much what my life will consist of until who knows when. I hate to miss everything that is going on at ACU and wish that I could be a part of it all. But then again, for the short time I was there, I chose sleeping instead of going to events that I had at one point in time, wanted to go to. So I guess right now, focusing on coping with this isn't such a bad plan and I don't blame my parents for dragging me home after all. Please keep me updated on everything that's going on, and I will try to do the same. Please also pray that God will heal me and that I can be patient for His timing.

Here's the verse Matt and I picked out for the week: 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, first from the NIV and then the Message:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."