A Beautiful Day

It rained while the sun was shining today. That is my all-time favorite weather! It is so beautiful. And extremely fun to play in, which I did. I got my jeans all soaked from jumping in puddles but you are never too old to do that, right?
My medicines are confusing right now. I'm not sure which one is causing this, but I am extremely antsty. "Inability to sit still" is a side-effect of both the ones I'm on and one that I just stopped taking so I'm not sure what's going on yet. Even eating soup can be messy if I'm not careful, because I can't keep my hand that still, and putting on mascara is a dangerous job! Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good! I'm staying very active, just not doing one activity for more than 5 or 10 minutes. Having said that, I'm done writing in this blog for now and off to something else!

Feeling Better (for real this time?!?)

I went to the Dr. again. A new psychiatrist this time, which makes him the 5th one I've seen. A different doctor means a different opinion, but that is okay. I'm willing to try whatever. He agrees that I am Bipolar Type II, but that I have a mixed state, which is why I have racing thoughts and experiene depression at the same time. He also explained that the symptoms for mood disorders can develop over time; which apparently means everything could have gotten worse without treatment.
Now, I'm trying another mood stabilizer, Lithium, and stopping the anti-psychotic. The Lithium will treat the racing thoughts and the depression will continue to be treated by the Prozac.
I'm feeling better since I've been on the Prozac for a week now.
I've been making more of an effort to recover now which is definitely a good thing! Today, Carly and I made a schedule for me to stick to all day so that I don't spend all day sleeping. Also, I've been keeping track of how much nighttime sleep I get, how my moods are, how much water I drink, how much exercise I do, etc.
That's all I have for now. I may be coming back to Abilene a week after Bid Weekend (Oct 3rdish). Matt is coming to visit, so if I feel better then, I will travel back with him :)

A similar view from Bear Lake in RMNP, taken September 20, 2004 

From A Mental Hospital Patient

I meant to update this more but I guess I haven't felt up to it. I've been attending the local mental hospital this week during the days. I don't have to stay overnight because I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else...but other than that I guess I’m as loony as they get ;) Here's the breakdown of the day:

• 9:15-10:00 Come up with personal goals for the day and talk to Coordinator about my treatment
• 10:00-11:00 Relapse Prevention Group (write down who I consider my supporters, what behaviors caused me to come to the hospital, triggers that caused those behaviors, an action plan)
• 11:00-12:00 Process Group (everyone shares their own story and gets input from other patients)
• 1:00-2:00 Skills Group (learn ways to handle problems identified during Relapse Prevention Group )
• 2:00-3:00 Experiential Group (either self-relaxation time or group problem-solving games)
  

Monday is my last day. They have changed my diagnosis once and the medication twice. The uncertainty of all of this is what irks me the most. Every doctor has their own opinion on what path I should take next. Who knows which path will work and which one will take 3 weeks to find out that it’s not such a good strategy after all.

For now, bipolar disorder is out the window because my ‘normal’ phases don’t fit the hypomanic descriptions. Another reason the anti-depressants aren’t working effectively, then, could be because of the racing thoughts that I have quite often. There are several at once, almost like I’m in a crowded mall. Hopefully these voices will be quieted with the anti-psychotic, while Paxil is being used for the depression.

Now that my body is free of the Depakote, I am feeling tons better. I feel less like a sloth and more like a human again. I have more energy, appetite, and sense of hope. Today I even got out of the house more than once, and spent time with my family and my friend Ali. Coming back to Abilene seems more attainable today than it has in the past week. And I am definitely looking forward to going to church tomorrow (especially since I haven’t felt up to going since I’ve been home)!

That’s all I have for now. I’ll try to update this after some of my doctors appointments this week.